Not Broken

You are not broken; you're just experiencing pain. 

And pain visits in all different forms and in all different ways. Physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional… sometimes your brain hurts, sometimes your heart hurts, sometimes your body hurts, and often they share the pain with each other. There is Chronic pain, and there is passing pain. There are old pains that get triggered by the strangest things, and new pains that come as if out from nowhere.

Your body and being are sensory powerhouses. Pain is a messenger, not an indictment, and it comes to tell you secrets, stories, ideas and possibilities. We are so pain adverse, that all we want to do with pain when it arrives is send it on its way… like a knock on the door, unanswered, unattended, just yelled at from the other side. 

When I first realised that I had chronic pain, pain that could not be pinned down to a definition or readily cured, I felt like a failure. Pain had taken up residence in my bones - I must have allowed it entry, I must have unwittingly caused it, it must be staying because I don't have the power or the ability to evict it. I failed to keep myself in good health. 

I thought I was broken, and that pain was evidence of my condition.

Until I realised the truth: the pain had important information for me, it wasn't a prophet proclaiming failure.

I read many books, binged podcast upon podcast, YouTubed and researched and found a Functional Medicine Practitioner, practised days and nights and all the times in-between, and slowly, I learned how to listen to my pain and work with it, rather than putting all my energy into casting it out. 

When you can view pain as a messenger and not a judge, it allows you to listen to it, rather than live in fear of it. It changes its energy and your own receptivity, and in that place, things seem more doable, calm, and even light. 

Pain is a signal for attention. And yes, sometimes you need pain management, sometimes the pain is more than you can bear, sometimes the pain is short-lived, and sometimes it stays put like the weird uncle who's last to leave at the party, and no one knows what to do with him. 

And even still, you are not broken, you're in pain. Lean into that pain, listen to what it has to say, find its source and place of origin. Take your time, give yourself grace, be gentle and tenacious and caring and patient. 

As long as we keep pain at arms length, we won't be able to heal. The pain may fade, but the fear of it will last. If you can embrace it? You'll be able to love your pain all the way through to healing and peace. 

Dr Bessel Van Der KolK said: 

"As I often tell my students, the two most important phases in therapy, as in yoga, are "notice that," and "What happens next?" Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than fear, everything shifts."

Pain is a signal for attention. From a broken leg screaming - look at the bones! To a broken heart crying - face the truth! Pain doesn't judge you: you're a failure! Pain asks you to take notice, lean in, and listen. 

Look, this is a 600-word piece, of course there are nuances to pain and the experience of it, of course there are other factors that I can't possibly get into in this limited space, but even then, from the pain of a diagnosis to the pain to a breakup to the pain of making a mistake to the pain of being misunderstood, to the pain of stubbing your toe, it doesn't mean you're broken. 

You're not broken. You're in pain. There is no judgement, only healing, for that. 

Get curious. Notice that sensation. Allow it. Listen to its story. Get direction. Seek wisdom. Be gentle and patient and kind. Pain is a storyteller. Follow its tale on your journey to healing. 

CONSIDER THIS: "Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves." Bessel Van Der Kolk. 

Written by Liz Milani.